There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
