What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
