So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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