There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
