her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When did angry sex become our thing?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
