Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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