There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
