I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
