trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Green mimosas i think yes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
