mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
