Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
