I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Congratulations! We have a period
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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