I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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