I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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