Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Randomize
