there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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