no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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