I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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