I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
smell my finger.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
