You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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