Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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