I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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