I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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