Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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