I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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