I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
