Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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