My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
