Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
