I wish I could teleport
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
