i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
