I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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