i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
