When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
