WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
