Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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