dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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