They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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