im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
