wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
No more Irish car bombs ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
