I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
