My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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