I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
