No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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