I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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