I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
