Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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