a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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