you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
