you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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