fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
