Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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